I am the Wizard Master!

When I was a little boy, I used to make casseroles for all my friends.

julia roberts

When it rains three inches in Los Angeles, people do not go to work and movie premieres get cancelled and people die.

kitten with a whip

Ann Margaret just called me at work. She wants the rights to her television specials. I told her, quite a bit more passionately than she was expecting at 8am, how very much I would like to get my hands on those television specials myself! There's nothing that can happen today that will top this.

tommy doyle

When approached by a drunk Persian girl waiting for 2am burritos in Santa Monica who says "Can I ask you a question, are you gay or straight?,"  the only appropriate response is "Why, are you looking to get fucked?".

Girls shouldn't go out alone after 1am and shouldn't approach strange men and they should know how to dress for their body types.  She worked at the "French Connection" and continually offered us a 20% discount.  I have never been inside a "French Connection."

tired of sex

Lately, all I want to do is watch thirtysomething and order pizza online.