i want to know what love is

This weekend is Julia's wedding.

On Monday I am going to the International House of Pancakes.

Blog.

beware the moors

"An American Werewolf in London" is not gay. It's a genius film that actually manages to capture the dynamic between two guy besties better than any drama could.

"Re-Animator" is gay. I absolutely love it, but it's a horror movie about gays.

today's special

The next time you have the girls over for a double feature with a couple large dominos thin-crust pizzas and three bottles of $8 fake champagne, I highly recommend the combination of "Taxi Driver" and "Hannah Montana: the movie".

high school

Anytime a group of us would go night-swimming in the ocean, I would invariably distance myself and sing Selena's "Dreaming of You" song into the sea, cry a little, and then return to the group refreshed and the life of the party.  I was really glamorous.

I'm doing my strong woman number...

In the past 24 hours, I have managed to eat an entire large pizza from dominos - a chicken quesadilla - two activia yogurts - multiple coffees with brownie musclemilk powder - three cereal bars - two bowls of special k - a cupcake and some lime tostitos with cottage cheese.

My work partner is on vacation this week - it's not ideal. I had to outlook reminder myself to clip my fingernails and clean my room to the second side of the "I'm Getting My Act Together and Taking It on the Road" LP.

phallic symbol phallic symbol

our bachelorette party had a body count

Anyone who has been to Palm Springs knows that you have to claim your pool chairs EARLY! After a couple hours of light sleeping, the kind of sleeping where you ride consciousness the whole evening, I parked my book out by the pool. I was barely conscious when Jill tagged me out so I could get coffee but, boy, am I ever glad she did!

Stumbling from the pool to the restaurant, I walked up to a vision in glasses and eggplant lip liner at the counter.  This classy lady brought me coffee, gave me my change with her lee press-on nails firmly in place, and showed me where I could get some milk and sugar. 

I was in love.   I lingered by the creamer as the hipster bartender approached her from the other room:

"You know, I hear this record all the time and it sounds an awful lot like..."
She stops him right there.

"It was a million years ago..." so dry was her tone, so matter of fact and, dare I say, fabulous that I had no choice but to walk away then and there for fear that my heart would just pop (and my sinuses were going to town from morning allergies in the desert and I didn't want her to see my drainage).

An hour later, we bachelorettes were at brunch.  It was a packed Sunday in Palm Springs crowd, all gorgeous, thin, and above it all.  I was quietly pressing at my left nostril when suddenly, and without warning, my hostess walks to the middle of the restaurant and asks everyone to be quiet.

"I've been told that we have some very special people here with us today and I thought that I'd give you a little treat!"  At this point she began singing THE TROLLEY SONG acapella!!!!

Oh, she gave it her all!  She addressed everyone (I could tell she only plays for packed houses) and she sang the entire song.  My heart popped, I even cried. Her name is Linda Gerard and she was a big deal back in the days of LPs and jazz singers.

When planning a bachelorette party, less is more.
Be sure to start drinking around 9am with a light breakfast. Follow breakie with a leisurely drive to a desert resort (I highly recommend the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs) with your best girlfriends. In the car, share your hopes and dreams, sing a couple songs, laugh a few laughs, and just take it easy. If you've had enough to drink in the morning you will have NO reservations showing off your latest and skimpiest bathing suit to a pool full of gorgeous gays and Europeans upon check-in (and don't worry, they serve booze in the pool!!!)

The Ace Hotel is so wonderful that you can even have cabana boys bring lemon juice to you in the water and they will apply it to your hair for some sun-infused natural highlights! I never thought a weekend in the desert with 8 women could be so lovely.

in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions

When making yourself a John Huges megamix, be sure to include the following songs:

If You Were Here - The Thompson Twins
The Edge of Forever - The Dream Academy
Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths
True - Spandau Ballet
If You Leave - orchestral manoeuvres in the dark
Try A Little Tenderness - Otis Redding
Don't You - Simple Minds
We Are Not Alone - Karla DeVito
Turning Japanese - The Vapors

also...even though not purist, I like to include:

Melt With You - Modern English


When I go to CVS, I always pay by check.

it's all coming back to me now

Today I am at work and wearing a hot pink ski cap with a fendi tie and a marc jacobs shirt. Bill S. Preston, Esquire is here and he complimented me on my look - that's my bro. Anyone who laughs at me, (and by anyone, I mean all the fat girls in international) is ignorant with no sense of joy or wonder or fashion.

For the record, Bill S. Preston is class. There are many stupid people making movies and taking meetings, he is not one of them. He has a lovely family and lives in NYC, as all established people should.

Last night I rode my bike to Main Street and had Ben&Jerry's for dinner and walked on the beach. This is why I live in California. When I have money in my hand and a role as noteworthy as Bill S. Preston, then I will move back to NYC and only be seen getting coffee or signing children's books (not mine, just signing other peoples books in barnes&noble).

bailey quarters

I once went to Ohio for a wedding. Columbus, Ohio. The entire time I was there, I kept asking how close we were to Cincinnati. No one would tell me.

Laurie Anderson came to do a masterclass with us in conservatory. I went to a dark dark place when I got to class and realized we were not to be regaled with stories of Burt Reynolds and Circus of the Stars.

"WKRP in Cincinnati" was the most fashionable series ever to grace network television. When I was a little boy, I really wanted to be Bailey because she had the best glasses and because I felt bad for Loni Anderson. I think people never gave Loni credit for being anything more than a bottle of peroxide and a d-cup. That's difficult to overcome. Bailey was super smart and still sexy, even though I resented her for succumbing to network pressure and taking off the glasses. I don't care for Gary Sandy's face, but his body is amazing and he got the best outfits.

some things you have to do yourself

There's only one month left of summer and there are still a few things left to do:

1.  Ride your motorbike home down the LA river while being chased by an 18wheeler Mack Truck all the way from the arcade. 

2.  Between shifts at the Aero theatre, fall in love with a halfling who may or may not want to suck out your soul.

3.  Manage a female based rock group in the vein of Susanna Hoffs and live in a beach house with Justine Bateman.

4.  Stare unappologetically at Brandon Routh in Real Food Daily and follow him into the bathroom.

5.  Open the curtains, it's appropriate.